Snappy Comebacks

When we were teens, my brother had a subscription to MAD Magazine. One of our favorite parts was a section entitled "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions". For each scenario, it left room for you to add your own response. Hands down, my brother always had the best response. Quick-witted responses just seem to pop out of his head to any given situation.

My brother recalled an incident back in the late 80s when everyone was concerned about the environment and recycling. He was working in a restaurant when a customer asked for a sandwich to go. As he was finishing, she asked if he was planning on putting it in a Styrofoam box. He responded, "I'll put it in a Styrofoam box, disposable diaper, or snowy owl." She didn't get the joke, just the sandwich.

Now, I can do quite well at times myself. There was a time back in the late 80s when I worked at the old airport to make extra money. They always needed people during holidays and summers - times that I was free. In our display case facing the main concourse were replicas of a snowy owl, golden eagle, and a bald eagle - all on the Endangered Species List. I cannot tell you how many times someone asked us if those animals had been killed. In reality they were handcrafted painstakingly with painted turkey feathers. The replicas looked so real that people would storm into our store screaming. Then when told they were fake, they would respond, "I knew that." We begged management to put signs up stating information, but management wanted people to come in the store asking questions. The cheapest of them was $1800.

Dealing with stressed out customers over their desperate need for a toothbrush or an overpriced t-shirt is not my forte, but I had to grin and bear it (or grit and bear it). But, people's stupid comments about those stuffed animals drove me insane . . . until a friend suggested a better idea. I decided to fight back with snappy comebacks.

"Did you kill that eagle in the window?" (Said in an angry, indignant, and superior tone of voice.)

• "No, I killed him in the mountains."
• "No, he committed hari-kari after begging to be stuffed and prominently displayed."
• "No, he flew into an engine and was later rebuilt."
• "No, he drank one too many and was grounded by the FAA."
• "Why do you ask, Kemo Sabe?"

As Bugs Bunny would say, "What a maroon!"