Hiring and Firing

A.K.A. BAD LUCK

One of my teammates finished the year last week. She went on maternity leave as she is expecting her first bundle of joy. I know that she will make a great mother. She is very wise to begin with, and her years of teaching experience will only help her in her understanding. She will not be back next year because she and her husband are moving to Texas. She will be missed.

So last week, one of my teammates and myself were faced with interviewing a prospective replacement. It is, at times, a daunting task. Although we are not interviewing for the position of "best friend," you do hope for professionalism and a spirit of camaraderie.

To make matters difficult, I have THE WORST LUCK when it comes to hiring. My luck is so bad that at my last school, it was a running joke.

It begins thus:

• Person being interviewed seems completely sane and fits the requirements.
• Person is hired and begins on normal learning curve.
• Person becomes insane and must either be fired or given fewer and fewer tasks.

Take my assistant X. X was a college graduate with a bright future. Needing some money while attending grad school, he applied for the position of assistant for 5th grade. At first, X was able to complete errands and help students in a reasonable manner. Then, my teammate and I began to notice some rather "peculiar" behavior. Being it was the fall of 1999, X kept a "countdown notebook" in anticipation of the millennium. It was filled with lists of numbers that were calculations as to the time remaining in the year, and he would do it in place of his other duties. Obviously, our needs were too mundane.

There was the time the phone rang and my teammate asked X to "get that for her." He yanked it out of the wall and handed it to her. Yanked. Handed. Wall. Hole. I kid you not. When our maintenance man saw the hole, he threatened to kill X stating, "No jury in the world would convict me." Perhaps it was just as well that our maintenance man moved to Wisconsin soon after. Unfortunately, we just gave X fewer and fewer tasks. I could tell you more, but I must move on to Y.

Y was also hired for the position of assistant the year after X. He seemed competent to run errands and make copies. It turns out, he had no understanding of children and could not help even in a one-on-one situation. Now Y was a former Israeli soldier in the U.S. to complete his med degree. Each morning, Y would check the Israeli newspapers and read the obituaries to see if he knew anybody. If it was one of his fellow compatriots, he would come upstairs in tears and be completely useless for the rest of the day. We eventually just sent him home on those mornings. Our pleas to the A.P. were helpful. She at least got him to check the papers in the afternoon, but it didn't matter. He was incapable of helping us out much.

Then there was Z who was hired as our assistant the following year after Y. Z was quite capable of doing all our tasks and helping the kids. We began to notice that the kids didn't really want his help and tried to avoid him. Often one of them came back from recess in tears, but begged us not to go into it saying Z had handled it. We began to realize that Z was a nut. He told the kids they were sinners when they misbehaved and going to burn in hell if they didn't repent. The kids were terrified of him. All our discussions on how to help and encourage children fell on deaf ears, and he was let go.

I could tell you more, but you get the idea. I have bad luck in this area. In our current interviews, I deferred to my teammate whose wisdom and instincts I trust. However, if it doesn't work out, it means the curse has followed me.